Official Better Marriage Blanket Website

I am going to file this really incredible invention in the “Why didn’t I effin’ think of this first?” category.  I am simultaneously facinated, repulsed and wildly curious about the Better Marriage Blanket.  Yes guys, you finally have the absolute perfect anniversary gift for the wife!  I know in the past I have put a big “no-no” stamp on giving anything “useful” to your lovely lady as a gift, however, in this case, I make an exception.

Let’s check out the features on this baby, shall we?  Using advanced protection only previously used by our military to protect our men and women from a chemical attack, this blanket uses activated carbon fabric to absorb the bit of nastiness known as night flatulence.  It will absorb beer farts, the I just couldn’t pass up that burrito farts, the Oh MY GOD what is happening in my stomach farts and even the famous silent but deadly action emitting from your nasty ass.

Here’s how it works.  First you get cuddled up with your honey under the beautiful blanket in either white or beige.  Next you let the biggest fart you can muster RIP!  Lastly you lay there with a stupid smile on your face because nobody will smell it, therefore there can be no placing the blame as to who dealt it.  Now, I know I am kind of making it sound like ladies don’t have a case of the night farts from time to time, but let’s face it, when they do the man gets a kick out of it plus despite what “Austin Powers” has taught us, we really DON’T like the smell of our own brand.

All I have to say is the people who came up with this are geniuses that are after my heart and obviously keeping my nostrils from having my nose hairs burned off by some truly putrid odors.  Now if these people can figure out a way to deal with dog farts, I will freakin’ marry them and totally share my blanket!

Pizza Hut’s Hershey’s Chocolate Dunkers!

So lately I have been working a lot and writing a lot therefore I have been not wanting to be cooking a lot.  Now don’t get me wrong I do enjoy cooking, it is just all the side work, preparation of the food, serving it and after dinner clean-up I detest.  Anyway, I was talking to a friend one night when I declared that I was starving yet did not want to prepare anything.  I also did not want to put upon my son, the Sandwich Artist to make me something at Subway (it would require me leaving the house.)  So my oh so smart buddy said why don’t you ummmm order delivery!  THAT MAN IS BRILLIANT!

This is when a discovery was made for which I will always owe him big time!  Though I will never tell him that because this particular friend would hold me to that and if you have not gathered I am in lazy mode at this point.  Anyway, I set to work looking on line for food.  It is when I am making a decision on www.pizzahut.com that I see a little tab that says “Desserts” hmmmm….. I of course think it is just going to be those cinnamon sticky breadstick things that aren’t all that great, frankly.  But instead it is an oh so intriguing bit of chocolatey delightfulness for which I was not prepared.  HERSHEY’s CHOCOLATE DUNKERS!!!!  Ooooohhhoooohhhooohhh are you freakin’ serious?

At this point what I was having for dinner really mattered not, I think I ordered pasta or something, who the FRICK cares.  I just wanted to get to that dunker thingy.  Now let me give you a little description of these suckers tamfastic style.  These are nothing less than soft strips of warm, doughy goodness with not just milk chocolate little beady looking things covering the top but the geniuses at the Hut added a wee bit of white chocolate into the mix.  Now this on its own is similar to a chocolate covered donut only way gooder.  BUT WAIT…..THERE’S MORE!  They give you this Hershey’s melty dipping or dunking sauce that when combined with that other stuff I told you about, well, let’s just say I had a mouthgasm…make that multiple mouthgasms for minutes, neigh hours, after this piece of heaven hit my tongue.  Now, you might find the butt of the after cig sitting in my trash with chocolate stains all over it and I think it is possible IT is even still smiling.

Club Vibe by OhMiBod

Just when I thought I had every accessory I needed for my iPod to make my life complete, I found out there is one more little add on a girl could really get down with.  Yes, guys and gals, it is a vibrator in bullet form that pulsates to the rhythm of your iTunes. I think I can safely say that if technology keeps progressing in such a manner I may NEVER leave my house again!

The fact that this pretty little thing was the wet dream of a  former Apple exec is in one way no surprise but in another way a bit of one.  I mean I know they come up with cool ideas but this is quite possibly the best fusion of technology and pleasure to date.  So in the very near future instead of playing with my BOB (Battery Operated Boyfriend) I will now have a bit-o-fun with my BOD (Battery Operated Dj.)  Now somebody download me some Pantera and leave me to my OWN devices!

Betty Beauty Pubic Hair Dye

You know, while in theory dying your crotch hairs sounds like a barrel of laughs, I have a few problems with this.  First off, it is hard enough shaving, waxing, and shaping that area do we seriously now have to slap some dye on it and make sure it comes out even?   COME ON!  Why did you do this to me Betty?  WHY?  You know of course I am gonna use this product, seriously…..

And though I see those few drawbacks, there are a few things about this idea I love.  First of all, now when I dye my hair pink, when someone sees my naughty bits they will think I am a natural pink.  Secondly, I honestly need something else to do on a Saturday night besides oh, I don’t know, having a life?

Okay I love the idea of this product kind of a lot.  But to tell you the truth it scares me a little that soon I will no longer remember what my natural hair color is on my landing strip….just like it is anybody’s guess as to what it is on my head!  Thanks A LOT Betty Beauty (now where the hell is my credit card?)

BAKON VODKA HOME

Okay, I am all about having drinks with friends and trying new things.  Just the other night while out and about I tried a Cucumber Martini at a new spot in San Antonio called Rumi’s Lounge.  It was fanfreakin’tastic but still I was not so sure about a drink that was gonna taste like salad.  And now they come out with bacon in a glass?  Seriously, I don’t know if I can be on board with this.  Now I will give them some props, they have recipes in which they are suggesting it be put in  Bloody Marys or used as a Marinade for steaks to be grilled, that  I can get down with.  But honestly when I first saw this all I could think is, shots at breakfast?  Eggs, hashbrowns, Bacon Martinis with a side of toast? Better yet why don’t they just freakin’ come out with the whole breakfast buffet of Vodkas, who needs to eat?

The fact that this is not available across the nation is a shame because I think that this needs a try.  Currently it is only available in Washington State, Oregon, Montana and Idaho, wow that is a bit underwhelming….  And though I am highly skeptical of a breakfast meat in liquid form, I need to bring home this bacon for a few reasons.  A. I don’t have to cook it and anything I don’t have to cook is delicious to me B. If we make it really popular they may come out with something I could really dig, Pancake flavored alcohol….heh heh screw IHOP!